How to get along better with your child: Establish rules for the family life (2)
Having the intention of protecting them, parents/adults often tend to impose many rules on their children. In fact, rules are important to children because, when correctly formulated, they predict what actions will follow. A rule should tell the child what people around expect him to do. Set some rules, limits and don't deviate from them. A child learns not only from what you tell him, but especially from what he sees you do. He will expect you to follow the rules you set and keep your promises. If you give importance to the previously established rules, the child will respect you more.
Set rules together, don't impose them. If established and followed, rules help family members reduce conflict and maintain an atmosphere of effective communication and healthy relationships. Here are some things to keep in mind when setting family rules:
The rules should be established gradually - as the child grows, he understands more and is able to respect them. Children need boundaries and discipline to feel safe. However, too many rules can feel like a control over their lives. It is best to establish 5-7 rules for situations where the young person's health and safety may be at risk. Let him make his own decisions in other situations. To establish rules, you need to clarify what you expect from the teenager and what behaviours you consider unacceptable.
The rules must be established together with the children. When they take part in such discussions, children and young people are much more willing to respect the reached agreements. It is important you don't impose anything on them. When you negotiate, you help them feel that they have some control over their lives and that their opinion matters. Each rule must be formulated and discussed together, in a calm atmosphere, giving a special time for it. Likewise, the consequences or benefits for the child when the rule is followed or not must be discussed.
Better have few rules. The greater the need for structure and control, the greater the tendency to set rules for everything. It is good to have at most 5 rules. If the number is greater, it will be difficult to monitor compliance, and rules with no monitored compliance lose their value very easily. The focus must be on those behaviours that you want to see in the child or on those that you want to get rid of.
The rules must be formulated behaviourally and positively. Parents use the rules to make the child follow the behaviour they want. Often, when formulating these rules, they resort to the prohibition method, indicating to the child what NOT to do: “Don't throw”, “Don't run”, “Don't shout”, “Don't push”, “Don't touch”. In this type of situations, the child does not know what TO do, because he is not told. That's why, the rule must contain the behaviour you expect from the child: “Put the books on the shelf and the clothes in the closet”, “Walk slower”, “When a person speaks, wait for him to finish his thought, then you can speak too”, “Touch tenderly” etc.
Both parents must agree to the established rules. This is the only way the child can learn the rules, get used to the discipline. If one parent does not agree with the other's requirements, it is better to discuss this later, when the child is not present, and try to reach a common denominator. Otherwise, the child will learn to get what he wants by taking advantage of the parents' misunderstandings, and the relationships between the family members will suffer.
Consequences. Rules are like laws. If the adult does not monitor them, then the little one will not respect them either. The child must know clearly what will happen if the rules are not followed. Consequences must be established together with him. It is good for him to understand that when he chose to break the rule, he chose to bear with the consequence.
The rules must be clearly displayed, drawn or written in a way that the child understands, so that they are not forgotten. It is important that the rules are visible. Just because they have been verbalized does not guarantee that they will be memorized. It is also important that children are supported in the process of learning the rules. The fact that he still doesn't follow a rule may mean that he still needs help learning it.
You want to protect your child from any unpleasant experience, but if you don't let him make his own mistakes and learn his own life lessons, he won't be prepared to make good decisions, he will hardly manage on his own. Allow him to try new things, hang out with friends, go on hikes, or participate in any other activity that helps him develop and gain experience.
Trust does not preclude control. Control the child's activities in a balanced way, without limiting his need for knowledge and expression and so that you feel at ease as well. Let the young person gain experience and be ready to intervene when he has doubts or difficulties. This also means feeling the consequences of making wrong decisions.
Most of the teenagers know where they went wrong and endless discussions after each thing that upset you will only annoy them. Do not scold or offend them. Once you have told them they bad, naughty, selfish, lazy, stupid, inattentive or whatever, you have put a label. And if the label is accepted by the child, he will start behaving as such. He will say to himself: “There is no point in making efforts, that is the way I am – lazy”. Or “What have I got to lose? He thinks I'm naughty anyway”.
If you follow the recommendations mentioned above, the cases when the child has an unacceptable behaviour will decrease significantly. However, do not expect that the misunderstandings between you will disappear completely. No matter how well these recommendations work, there will be times when you have to react to unwanted or inappropriate child behaviour.
